I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
