my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
