I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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