My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
