I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
