I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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