you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
