mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
