Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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