i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
