So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
