Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
