My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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