I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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