I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
