I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
