What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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