Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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