i'm signing you up for texting rehab
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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