Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
