I wanna passion pit in your ass
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I want a musical about memes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
