just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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