OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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