Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
