Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
