I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
