Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
