The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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