I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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