I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
