I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
