i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
