I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
