peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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