I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
