Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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