i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
