My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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