I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
