Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
