I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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