The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
