**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
