bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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