I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
