why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
