sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
