census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
