Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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