i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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